Monday, 3 October 2011

Youtube

I added a video to youtube today :\ I'm not sure how I feel about it... I don't think I like it... maybe I do... but noo I don't think so. Anyway the sound and the picture are really annoyingly out of sync! maybe I'll delete it...? I don't know.Well, I'll let you decide: http://www.youtube.com/user/StephanieGraceSmith?feature=mhee

I don't know how to change the thumb nail and it's (shudder) not the nicest... I do this really weird thing when I sing where I shake my head - a lot! I also make weird faces :P Anyhoo I just came back form the beach yesterday - I love the beach. I love the sun and the warmth. What I do not love are the stupid UV rays and the boiling hotness of summer. There is only so much heat a girl can take!!

I also love the shopping at calounrda! I have a selection of thrift and antique stores and op shops I visit every time I go. This time I bought:

A beautiful antique water pitcher that reads "teacher" on the side.
A beautiful basket (my dad regarded, "ANOTHER one!?!?" when he saw it)
A set of 9 lovely water glasses
A glass candel holder with 'foggy glass' patterns on the out side
And two old books.

I think I was fairly good this time - I didn't buy anything drastic and I didn't buy all that much either. I have been known to go a bit wild. (as you may remember, last time I bought a chair that my poor, friend's grandparents had to lug home becuase they were the only ones with room in their car)

Well thats all from me,

Stephanie xx

p.s. havent heard about that job yet - so not expecting to get it. resuming resume-ing on the weekend.

ALSO school goes back tomorrow. ew. At least its the last term of year 11! in 12 months and 5 weeks I'm DONE with school!!! (uni next, yes. But still - uni isn't really 'school')

DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Work, Names and Parties

So, I'm on holidays!! How. Fantastic. I can relax and recover, but I also have time to try and find some part time work. I went out yesterday to hand around some resumes, but I didn't have much luck until I went to Banneton - a french bakery/ cafe near where I live. They specialise in wood fired breads, but they also do pasteries and coffee, and they were looking for stalf! They were interested in the barista course I did about a month ago (I don't think I told you about that) and they asked me to go back today to talk to the manager - I'm leaving soon.

So hopefully I will get a job there :) Anyway, It's my Birthday in a month and a half too, so I have been planning a picnic party thingo for it.

I'm inviting about 6 people, and we are going to have an ALL WHITE picnic afternoon tea at a nice park down the road. Then we are going to come back to my house to have dinner on the terrace.  I'll post pictures afterwards.

Anyway here are the names I like at the moment:

Noël
Mardie
Lotta
Lizbit


Charlie
Jacob
Robin
Tristen

I have been playing the sims again lately... there are ALOT of Noëls and Mardies who look EXACTLY the same haha oh well, at least the houses are different. I dont find actually playing the sims fun, what I like is building and decorating the houses.


Steph xx

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

One Day At A Time


Hey everyone!

So, I realise I haven’t written a blog in about two months… apologies. My only excuse is that I have been going through a really tough time lately; what with being physically, mentally and emotionally a wreck most days and all. 



I guess just everything got a bit too much. Not a very uncommon thing, I know, and I have felt overwhelmed before, but this time it was (is) different than my usual ‘mini meltdowns’.  I flipped. I ran crying out of church, proceeded to run away from the friend that followed, and hid behind the building for the entire service, trying to knock myself out against the wall and struggling with thoughts of suicide… I worry myself sometimes. After a while people came looking for me and I had a good long chat with our youth pastor. I can’t even remember HOW I said everything I did, but I guess it all just needed to be said and so it came out   :\   

We talked for agers, at least two hours. It was really good actually, I just blurted out everything that was going wrong, or had gone wrong, or I was worried would go wrong and he just listened for the most part. I don’t really think he understood why I was feeling the way I was – he came to some odd conclusions – but I think I just needed to offload and he happened to be there.

Having good days and bad days, like anyone, at the moment.

When I was at my worst, this thought was a big comfort:

God sustains our every single heartbeat. He controls everything, and knows everything, and there is nothing that he cannot handle. His strength and his grace are sufficient for us, and in our weakness we see his strength. 

Praise God! Praise The Lord!



All I need is the strength for one day at a time, and The Lord takes care of that – and the rest. 

Steph xx

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Tiny Houses

So I found this really cool site called Tumbel Weed Tiny Houses. Like the name suggests, it sells tiny - tralier able - houses ^_^ !! Granted most of them are quite ugly, and too small for a family house, but they would make nice holiday/travel homes!

www.tumbleweedhouses.com

The one I would probably get is called the Lusby. It's almost $50 000 but, hey, its pretty neat! And with the ulterations I have in mind you could probably live with a family of three comfortably. Say, if you were ever taking a driving holiday around europe.


I would probably close off the lofts with more wood, and just leave space for a small door, then fit beddings into both. I would move the kitchen into the down stairs bedroom and put some built in comfy seating along the wall where the kitchen is currently. Then all it needs is another chair at the table and voila! One double and one singel private beds, dining, cooking, sanitising and sitting around!


Well anyway it I were to buy it, then I would choose a darker wood. Or maybe I will retire into something like this - however, stone, slightly bigger and with a fireplace.

Steph xx

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Good Songs


The three songs I have been listening to the most recently. All very good.

Steph xx

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Well... I made a cake...?

I realise I haven't posted a blog in a while, I have been exceedingly preoccupied. I am attempting to sort out a lot of issues and it takes most of my focus. Well lots has happened since I last wrote but not much of any importance. My horrible phone bill does deserve a mention, however. Last Sunday I dropped my phone and it broke, so I have been using my dad’s old phone for the time being. Anyway, with my phone if I pressed the 'end call' button then the internet turned off, and also my internet - while at home - automatically connected to my home internet.... dad's old phone does neither... let’s just say it is surprising how much money it can cost to have a YouTube video running on repeat, on a phone, in the background, for three days...

Well yeah, nothing much else of any importance... I made a cake...



Steph xx

p.s. I almost forgot! I have been promising talk about Daniel. I broke it off with him probably about a month ago now, because... well, it sounds mean, but... because he wasn't on the same level, intellectually, as I. He couldn't intellectually stimulate me, and I need that to be happy. Not, necessarily, in every relationship - not so close friends, colleges, ect - but definitely in a partner. So I ended it, because I knew we were going nowhere and it would have been mean of me to lead him on. Sad but true. He is a really nice guy. But a nice, simple guy - and it wasn't going to work.

I am glad he doesn't read this.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Song meaning



I think it's about a man who (purposefully?) overdoses on some sort of drug (I'm thinking a pill - being cut open to get them out). Not being taken by aliens but having a near death experience where he saw white light and heard voices calling him (perhaps he heard God) and was taken to the hospital. It was a 'turning point' or a wake up call for him to change his life. No one believes him or pays much attention and he starts to doubt his sanity (the dream makers - God - gonna make you mad) but he hears the voices at night sometimes and they 'justify his claim'. Caught between the devil and the deep blue see (revelation - making their last stand near the sea ??). The song maker (him) says it aint so bad (continuing to live a presumably unchristian/ignorant life) and the spaceman (or non-Christian/ sceptical person) says everybody look down, its all in your mind - the spaceman sees nothing more than a planet: no heaven or hell.

Steph xx

ps. the nile (maybe 'river of life'/ God ??) and east to west (unlike north to south) goes on for ever. But now it doesn't because the earth is seperated by sin.

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Copy Cat

A couple of years ago my best friend came back from Scotland, after living there for four years. We had kept in contact via phone, email and the odd letter, but when she came back it was really like I didn't know her, as a person, at all. It wasn't difficult to get to know, and become very close to, her again though; I enjoyed the process implicitly. 

When she came back she was drastically different in taste, style and interest than she is now. Really, she was just drastically different. She liked mostly modern music, apparel and furniture, to name a couple of things. Although now she is the exact opposite! She loves everything old fashioned. This is, I must say, mainly because I showed that type of style, and many other things she now loves, to her. I'm not proud to say, it used to drive me to tears that she would start liking everything I liked. I used to rant to my sister for hours about how it seemed like she was 'trying to take my life' and 'stealing my identity'. She would have one opinion/taste, I would express my opinion/taste, and she would suddenly change her mind to mine. I would change again, she would follow. It wasn't for everything, but the majority of stuff, and it made me furious. I had lots of resentment because of it, but I told myself that I shouldn't care - she was my best friend, after all, and we should like similar stuff - so I never said anything to her. 

Today I was at her house and we came across a questionnaire that we did about a year and a half ago. My, how we have changed! It was fun to answer all of the questions again and think of what our reactions will be like in another year and a half! For me, though, it also aroused an unpleasant memory: when we first did it, it was towards the beginning of the time when I was at the height of my annoyance over the 'copying' issue. And because of that I lied about most of my answers, just so we would seem different. I thought it was better to let her take my identity and find another one for myself, than saying anything or just ignoring it.

I struggled with resentment towards her for quite a while because of that. I couldn't find an identity that I was happy to have, other than my own, and I didn't think it was fair that she should get it. One day I was telling my grandfather about my troubles and he said something which revolutionised the way felt: 'copying is the most sincere form of flattery'. Suddenly I could see how childish my thoughts on the matter had been. I couldn't believe how I could have been so selfish as to not want my best friend, my dearest friend, to have what I would think of as 'nice' tastes and styles! I was appalled with myself! Then I realised something else; it may not have been to such a great extent, but I sometimes, too, copied her. I was shocked. I saw how completely petty and immature I had been. And, although the resentment took some time and work to get rid of, and still resurfaces sometimes when the copying is intense and blatant, I now think of it more as my best friend thinking that I have good taste. 


Today she is more of an individual, as well, and also today, while we were re-answering the questionnaire, we openly copied each other. It was marvellous. I can't think where I would be without my dearest, dearest, most wonderful and special best friend. 

Stephanie xx

ps. A little while ago I broke up with Daniel, I just haven't remembered to tell you guys yet. More about it next post.

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Heidi.

I have always loved the mountains. Ever since I can remember, I have loved them. Which is probably partially due to my love of, and longing for, Heidi's life. Not many people know this about me, as generally I come across as an Anne Shirley; living on a picturesque island, or a Laura Ingalls Wilder; discovering the great prarie, but where my heart truly lies is high up in the mountains. I like the character Heidi but, unlike other 'fans', I do not love her. I also hate the term 'fan' and so am not one. I have always seen her life in the alps as the thing to love. What I wouldn't give to live with my father, God, goats, and the glorious swiss alps. There is something about standing atop a pleateau high in a mountain; looking at the vallies and peaks around you, feeling the fresh breath of wind that seems to blow right through you and leaves you tingeling, the fresh clean air that you can never breath enough of, the great rush of wind through the trees. There I feel free. When I need to escape my life, that is where I imagine myself. It may sound corny but my heart longs for it. I feel a physical pull inside my chest, a burning, hollow sensation. Of all of God's creations for man to behold, what is more fulfilling, humbling, calming and grounding than a mountain?


I yearn for a simple life at high altitude.


And I know one day I will get there, I can feel it.

Steph xx

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Mariosarti

Last night both of my brothers were out so my parents decided to go out for dinner and buy my sister and I fish and chips to have at home.

Then my dad thought it might be nice to go with the four of us, and he invited my grandparents and my uncle too. My mother, however, was far from thrilled. She had wanted it to just be the two of them.

I was also far from thrilled becuase I was feeling ill and looking forward to fish and chips, a movie, a bath and my bed. My sister, however, really wanted to go out. We decided that if my grandparents could come then my sister and I would also go, and if they couldn't then we wouldn't.

They couldn't. So they plan was that we wouldn't, but my sister was really disapointed. She told mum that she was fine with fish and chips but she clearly wasn't. So mum took pitty and booked a table for four in Mariosarti at 8:15, and somehow I gathered the energy to have a shower, wash and dry my clothes and do my hair so we could all go.

An hour before we were meant to leave (and while everyone else was busy getting ready):
My older brother came home... a couple of awkward moments later (on my part) everything was fine and he assured me that he would rather have the house to himself anyway.

Fifteen minutes before we were meant to leave:
We got a call from the parent of the boy whose house my little brother was meant to be sleeping over at. Cameron was apparently very sick and needed picking up.

The plan to go to dinner was off. Mum went to get cameron and dad called Mariosarti to cancel, but their phones were just on a recording so he left a message. Then he sent an email. It all depended on how sick my little brother was, but maybe we could still go out to somewhere closer... like the coffee club... which made ME disapointed. The coffee club, in my opinion, is like the macdonalds of the restraunt industy.

So then five mintues before we were going to leave for Mariosarti, mum calls from the car to say that cameron wasn't really sick at all but he didn't want to get sick and his friend's brother was sick... She thought perhaps if we left as soon as she got home we could still make it, but she didn't know that dad had cancelled.

Dad thought that maybe they haddent gotten the message and were still holding us a table so we should go and see, and if they had filled it then we could just go some where else.... like the coffee club...

So cameron stayed with jordan and we went. By some wonderful mistake, they had left their phone off and forgotten to checkthe messages, so we were still booked. After all that kerfuffle the second to origional plan was back on and we had a really lovely dinner.

I had stuffed quail as my entree, then gnocchi with a goat ragu for my main, and for dessert I had a frangelico, espresso and gelato thing.

It was spectacular.

But I didn't get a bath at all and I didn't get to my bed until 12:30ish.

With that said, I think, however, it was worth it.

Steph xx

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Never Let Me Go Jesus, Keep Me Close

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth


 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11 



She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away

She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees

We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away

I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' oh, Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin'
Down with the wind

And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life

I'm gonna get there soon
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room
Prayin' Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

The Greatest Love Ever Known

Stephanie xx

Monday, 27 June 2011

Mixed Desires

I desire to get married.
I desire to have children.
I desire to devote my life to The Lord.
I desire to travel the world.
I desire to design and build cottages.
I desire to create and direct movies.
I desire to write a novel.
I desire to paint well.
I desire to do something.
I desire to leade a simple life.
I desire to teach children.
I desire to be a house wife.
I desire to home school my own children.
I desire to know what God has planned for my life and get going with it.
I desire to stop feeling like I'm in limbo.

For all of my desires, only one is the greatest. To follow God's plan for my life. I feel like I should be out there doing something, but I'm just in the waiting room. Sometimes I feel like I could just go for a walk, with no plans to return, and see where God leads me.

Steph xx

Lovely Day

I woke up, at about 10 o'clock, to a really beautiful picture, perfectly framed by my window. The sky was blue with white puffy clouds that lessened the suns blow so the hills were just brushed with copper; glorious.


It was cool enough to wear a cardigan but not so cool as to need a jacket; also, glorious. There was a slight breeze and the ground was dry, so I took a walk with a blanket and a book and ended up beneath some pine trees in my favorite, sucluded part of the park. I just lay there for hours, looking through the pines at the sky, reading on occasion, and listening to sounds of the morning, and then afternoon.


At about half one I picked up my blanket and headed home. Then we went to my grandparent's. It was nice. We had all sorts of pleasentries to eat and drink and there were all sorts of things to talk about. My grandmother is a bit of a kindred spirit and she always has something for me to admire; be it a broach that her mother used to pin her hankerchief to her pinafour with, or the mug she used to have her hot chocolate in when she was a tiny child. I had a really lovely day.

Steph xx

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Some More Hair!

I did it! I chose the darkest brown dye I could find and I did it! Except, my hair sort of went black in some parts... It's so incredibly dark! I swear I get a fright every time I look in the mirror, becuase I think there is someone else there... I look so different!

Voila! My opinion of it? Well..... it's shocking, and it's going to take me quite a while to adjust to the person looking back in the mirror, but I like it.

Steph xx

Monday, 20 June 2011

Hair

People! I am concidering dying my hair! I'm either going to go with a vibrant red or a dark/medium brown. I am so tired of my hair colour. It used to be really bright orange but now its like a lightish orangeish ginger snap...  My sister and mother keep advising against it but I don't think it's as big a deal as they are making it out to be. I mean, it's temporarily changing the colour of my hair, not getting genatils tattooed on my face! I was also concidering cutting it again becuase I'm getting bored of having it long, but I've decided to grow it down to my waist and then see how I feel.

So I will either be going from this colour:

To the colour of these red currents:

Or the brown of this eye:

I know that Aalyn will tell me not to. Hrmmmmm..... and there is a chance of not being able to go back to my normal colour again.... hrmmmmm.....

Steph xx

Monday, 13 June 2011

Hello? Life?

Hello, 'ello, 'ello! What do we have here? Is that life popping it's head around the corner? Am I being moved off the waiting list? Gosh, it's happening quicker than I expected!

Since I was 5 I have been in this retched place called school! Now soon I'll be sixteen. I have always said that being in school felt like 'pre-life', I was always just waiting to be out and an adult. Now it's coming so quickly I don't have time to blink. I have a year and a half left until I'm in the big bad world. I am tossing up between primary school teaching and creative industries again, although I think, in the end, teaching will win, and everone just seems to be treating me more like an adult for some reason (maybe they are finally getting it). Oh, and I haven't told you (although if we are friends on facebook then you will most likely know already), Daniel and I are now facebook official! It was kind of a duel decision, but I'm old fashioned so I'm making him ask me formally! And I won't say that he will be my "boyfriend" (although, technically, he will) becuase I really dislike that term. Not as much, however, as I dislike the term "girlfriend". Anyway back to my point: everything that seemed lightyears away or so incredibly unatainable is suddenly just out of my reach.

I guess I was just puttering along really; praying that The Lord would take charge of my life and lead me to my path how, and when, he saw fit. I feel like I've done nothing special to get here, I just woke up and found that I am. To be completely truthfull, it's terrifying! To have everything you have dreamed about, for so long, held right there in front of you, and to be told that, pretty soon, you can have it... it's so exhilerating and wonderful and frightening!

Just think, a year and a half of highschool, four years of uni, a year of teaching, nine months of gestation, that's about 7 years. In seven years I could be a mother... wow! Oh HOW ECXITING!! How wonderfully exciting! Well, legially, I could even be married in two and a half!!!

This might take a while to sink in fully.

Steph xx

Oedipus


For my drama assignment this term I had to create a physical performance that was meant to last about five minutes... Mine went for a bit longer than that. It was based on the story of Oedipus. Here is the basic story and characters:


Characters and Costuming:

The Moon:
The moon is made by two women wearing white, reflective full body suits and hanging, in the shape of a circle, from wires attached to white harnesses on the front of their torsos. They are positioned stage centre right, high up and towards the back of the stage. They represent the moon in the sky. 
They face away from each other, put their feet together and hold onto a suspended ring between their heads for support. They then push their torsos away from each other to create the shape of the circle.

The Soothsayer:
A man dressed in clothes inspired by early 19th Century vagabonds. 
He is positioned stage left on a tall black box; reaching half way to the top of the frame in front of the stage.

Greek deity:
A man dressed in a toga and reclining on top of another tall black box. However this one is positioned stage right and is a further metre taller than the soothsayer’s box.

Demons:
The demons are three men wearing black full body suits.
They hang from wires attached to black harnesses on the back of their torsos.

Young Man:
The man wears 19th Century long johns and a white shirt.
For the majority of the man’s stage time he is on a black box that is centre stage and one metre high. The box symbolises a bed.

Mother:
A woman wearing a 19th Century night gown and hanging in a net, but with a wire attached to her via a concealed harness for safety.
Her net hangs centre stage, above the young man’s box.


Plot Outline:

The curtains open on a dark stage. A medium strength spotlight shines on the people making the moon. Another spotlight, full strength, shines on the soothsayer.  He begins speaking and warns the Greek god’s of the event that is about to transpire: the murder of a young man by his mother. He tries to convince them to bring morning on early so the man will not be in his bed when his mother comes to do the deed.



The spot light on the soothsayer turns off and another one turns on to reveal a Greek deity. He reflects on what the soothsayer has said but tells the story of how the young man killed his father because he loved his mother and determines that he deserves to die. Instead of shortening the night, the deity calls forth demons to torment the mother and hurry her to the scene of the impending murder. The spot light on the deity turns off and another one shines on stage. A young man enters the central pool of light from behind the deity’s box and speaks of his love for a woman, but does not mention that it is his mother. He moves onto his box and goes to sleep. The central spotlight turns off and another one turns on to reveal his mother, hanging in a net with demons surrounding, pushing and taunting her. They are contorting their bodies to seem evil or tormented.



One demon hands her a knife and then they stop tormenting her and hang still, like dead people. She is suspended horizontally and the net lowers her half a metre above the young man and he comes into the light as the demons are left hanging in the dark. The young man stirs and starts talking of a dream he was having of his love. He says that he is imagining that she is floating above him but he wishes to be back in his dream and falls back to sleep. 




Then she takes the knife and stabs the air above him three times and a spotlight is turned on with each stab to finally reveal the whole stage, but the young man remains undisturbed. The first stab: there is a loud bang and at the same moment that she stabs a spotlight turns on and shows the deity standing on his box and pointing at the murder scene. The second stab: there is a loud bang and at the same moment that she stabs and another spotlight turns on and shows the soothsayer’s body dead and contorted. The third stab: the same thing happens but this time the demons are revealed and the people making the moon drop into the same positions as the demons.



She stabs him once more and this time, along with the bang, the whole stage goes dark. When the lights are turned back on the deity is gone, the mother is a metre higher and hanging limply, and the soothsayer is also limp; with one arm dangling over the edge of his box. The demon’s, however, are still hanging limply with all of their bodies except their heads; they are looking straight at the young man. The stage goes black, again with a bang. One spotlight comes on and shows the young man standing in front of his box, looking down. He raises his arms slowly while the demons, out of sight, are being discretely lowered to the ground and unclipping their wires. The young man looks up and asks ‘And am I dead?’ before the demons swarm over him ...
... and there is a final bang as the stage is plunged into darkness.



How the deity exits view:
The deity’s box has a wide ledge one metre lower than the top on the side facing away from the audience. When the lights turn off he quickly gets down onto the ledge and lies flat. 

Steph xx

Friday, 10 June 2011

Trapped

I reach a point and I retreat. I become antisocial, anti-I-don't-know-what; anti-something. I can't explain it. I start to hate things, like things I've created: relationships and such. I'm like a hermit crab, I retreat into my shell. I retreat into myself. If I become too fimaliar with people and if I interact with them... I can't express it... I start just hating somthing; what I'm not sure. Is it them? No. I don't know what it is, but I develop all these negative feelings. It's really sudden too.  If a person persists with interaction then they have to understand that it is going to take a while and distance for me to move past my negative feelings. I can't explain myself. Least said, soonest mended - or something like that.


I feel like the girl in Forrest Gump, I can relate to her. I know why she runs away, she has to. I feel like that, but I can't just leave like she can. I wish I could sometimes. I'm out of controll and overwhelmed and underwhelmed and just plain emotional, all at the same time. I need to get out, I need to be free and uncontained. I'm trapped here. I need to get out, I'm stuck. If someone came tomorrow and offered me a way out, I would take it. I think I would come back, I don't know how long for though. I don't know if I could stay. I'm not sure of anything, I just need to get out. I'm in a cage. I need to get out. I can't.


Stephanie

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Cameron.

I can't get the image of my little brother, crying on his bed, out of my mind. It is so damaging to see him like that. He looked so helpless, so naked, so broken. The way he buried his tears into me, I could never let anything hurt him. I need him to be strong so much, because I can't do it. I can't watch him like this, I can't. My baby brother. My little brother. My precious, precious brother.

You can do it Cameron. I'm here for you, and God is just waiting to pick you up, dust you off and put you back on your feet again. I cannot express how much I love you, so stop crying little man and lift your chin. Today is a new day. Today is your day. Today is the day that God has made.

You are my brother.

Stephanie, your big sister.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Neverland

Life was so uncomplicated when I was a child. Why does that have to change? I lived in so many fantasy worlds, sometimes I got them mixed up with real life. They became my real life. All I ever wanted was for Peter to come and take me away. Neverland was my dream. There I could escape, I could be free and eight forever. It just seemed like the better option.



Why do bad things happen to children? I don't blame God, I never have. I could never understand how people could. By the time I was ten it was too late for Neverland, the land of  innocence and simplicity, I was already being enveloped by the adult world. Sometimes I swear it was like I was treading water just to keep from going under. Where was the catcher in the rie when I needed him? Who left the gate open for me to renture too far? Your family are suposed to protect you, if not from anyone else, at least, from your self.

I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm not proud of.

Which is harder: forgiving 'them', or forgiving yourself? Never let anyone tell you that it's the former, it's not.

This is my neverland

Steph xx

Monday, 6 June 2011

Winter

Well, it's June, and that can only mean one thing: winter! I love winter! I love snow, dressing in beautiful coats, scalfs and boots, fire places, and cuddeling up in front of them with a throw, a glass of red wine and someone to sunggle. If only. Here it's more like cool nights and hot days, dressing in nice cardigans, heaters and duvets. Don't get me wrong, it is still a nice change from an Australian summer, a very nice change, but it is nothing compared to a European winter! The thing I envy most about people in the northern hemisphear, more than the sun, or lack there of, and more than the temperatures, is that up there they get to celebrate christmas during winter! Now, in the southern hemisphear, winter is my favorite season, for you can't tell the differance between the others really anyway, my favorite time of year is christmas, and my favorite month is December. Imagine if I could have all three together! I used to, when I was young and we lived in England, but I haven't for years.


Sigh.

Steph xx

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Disney

Disney has distorted my view of reality. I love disney movies. I love the romanticism of them.
My favorites are (in no particular order):

Snow White
Cinderella
Alice in Wonderland
Robin Hood
Peter Pan
Plooyanna
Swiss Family Robinson
The Parent Trap
101 Dalmations
The Sword in The Stone
Mary Poppins
Aristocats
Petes Dragon
Basil - The Great Mouse detective
The Little Mermaid
The Rescuers
Beauty and the Beast
Aladdin
Cool Runnings
The Lion King
Pocahontas
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Mulan
A Bugs Life
Tarzan
The Emperors New Groove
Recess
Lady and the Tramp
Atlantis
Lilo and Stitch
Tuck Everlasting
Treasure Planet
The Adventures of Winnie The Pooh
Finding Nemo
Ratatouille
and Tangled

I don't think I could ever pick just one favorite.

Steph xx

Monday, 30 May 2011

The Price Of Eggs In China

In the Hunan province they pay 35 yuan an egg. That's just a bit less than 4 pennies for one, fresh egg.

Steph xx